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The page cannot be fucking displayed |
The
page you are looking for is currently unavailable. The Web site might
be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your
browser settings, but most likely you're a complete dipshit. You tell
your friends you've been online since '94, but Mr. "I've been on the
net since Al Gore invented it" seems to call me a lot at 2 am in the
morning and asking what settings you need to put in your outlook
express to get your @home e mail, or "how do I send something in icq
and instant messanger?" My favorite moment from you is when you send me
the "I love you virus" or the e mails I get with the jokes that are so
not fucking funny. I wanna snap your neck like a twig. No, I'm not your
personal Microsoft hotline, and when I go to your place for dinner,
please dont ask me if I could "Just take a look at something" you've
been having trouble with. The next time you tell me you pride yourself
on how much you've learned about computers over the years, just know
that I'm thinking "Bullshit" over and over in my mind ya prick. |
Try the following you freakin idiot:
- Click the Refresh
button like an ass about 100 times, but dont call me, I'm sick of
helping your ass when you don't get it. I'm not the fucking "best
friend help desk".
- If you typed the page address in
the Address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly. Knowing you
it's spelled wrong. In fact I guarantee it's wrong. I've seen you mispell the word "the".
- To
check your connection settings, jiggle the cable. Stick a fork in the
ram, or put a q tip in the fan at the back of your pc while it's on and
get a face full of dust. I bet you did that already though didn't you?
And you just don't want to admit it. click the Tools menu, there should be a picture of you since you ARE a Tool and then click Internet Options,
now enter your visa or mastercard information in your digital
signature, don't forget your expiration date and ultra-super-top-secret
code found on the back of your credit card that you only need for every
purchase you make and therefore can not be stolen over the net, and
send me an e mail. Thanks pal, I'll get an extra BraveHeart DVD for you
from amazon.com with your credit card. On the Connections tab, click Settings.
The settings should match those provided by your local area network
(LAN) administrator or Internet service provider (ISP). Chances are
you're using AOL anyway.. and they can't get their head out of their
ass, but they can say hi to you since your head is planted firmly in
the same ass.
- If your Network Administrator has enabled
it, Microsoft Windows can examine your network and automatically
discover network connection settings. Hell Microsoft can examine
everything you do, they can even SEE you right now sitting there with
your pen in your ear or smelling your finger. Miscrosoft is at this
very moment secretly connected to your computer and downloading all the
information you have stored in it and watching you like a fat kid
watches a friend eat a chocolate bar. Big brother? I think Bill Gates
would have given even George Orwell nightmares.
If you would like
Windows to use your identity to apply for a blockbuster card so they
can keep a copy of Hackers for 3 weeks, then click Detect Nitwit Settings. You know all those mp3's and that porn that you cleverly hid in your c:\windows
directory to fool your husband, wife, boss, or even your parents? Not
only do they see it, they are making copies of it for personal use.
Remember that firewall isn't going to protect you, THEY fucking made
it.
- Some sites require 128-bit
connection security. But that's all a really really bad joke being
played on you. The word "security" and "internet" shouldn't be in the
same sentence. Right now your visa number is on about... 2,500
different websites. Not to mention your private e-mail is being handed
out to more porn spammers than the number of times AOL tried to give
you ONE MONTH FREE on a cd in the back of your favorite magazine.
- If
you are trying to reach a secure site, make sure your Security settings
can support it. A reminder for those of you who have your feet up and a
grin on your face as you read this, if you're looking at porn, and I
know you are, your wife pretends she doesn't know shit, but she checks
the history and the temporary internet folders while you're in the
bathroom reading your magazine for 26 minutes. She knows what you're
doing. Don't even feel confident she doesn't. Wanna know why she
doesn't mention it? Because now she is justified in having that affair
on icq with some guy name Raul. But here is the funny part Mr. Wizard,
SHE knows how to delete her logs and history and pretend she doesn't
know how "this internet thing works but wants to learn". You're on the
way to the couch after you "turn on the computer for your baby" while
she just wants to surf the Martha Stewart website, but the second you
leave the room, she's checking her 15 hotmail accounts for "RE: Your Hot Picture" . You are not even HALF as smart as you think you are pal. Once again, a reminders to click the Tools menu, I swear, there will be a picture of you in there somewhere, and then click Internet Options.
Yours are limited since you just now realized that not only is your
wife cheating on you, but some 13 year old kid in Jersey just bought
the entire Korn music library on cd AND dvd and charged it to your
credit card.
- I would like to add ladies, if you think
that was funny, wait until you find out how many times your
boyfriend/husband has pretended to be a lesbian so he could talk to
other lesbians on mIRC when you went to bed early. Chances are the
other "Lesbian" was some middle aged guy named Norman who lives in a
trailer in Salt Lake City. Not only is he balding and wearing a T shirt
that says "Hard Rock Cafe Vegas" but the only other thing he's wearing
besides a shit eating grin is a pair of underwear that's older than a
1977 penny. Also ladies, take a good look at the mouse your holding
right now, you might want to get a wet cloth and some anti bacterial
soap. Men don't know how to use hotmail because they can't even
remember what they had for lunch today, so there is no way they can
recall some obscure password, god forbid. But remember a couple weeks
back when he told you in passing about that software he ordered online
that the computer really needed? The same software that he ordered on
the visa? Well that "software" is actually a subscription to "read the
articles" at playboy.com.
- Click the Back
button to try another life, cause you obviously just can't seem to get
the hang of this one. Good luck. Quit your job and move to Mexico... oh
and that grinding noise your hard drive is making right now... isn't me
erasing your c:/ drive. Honest.
Oh wow, is this YOU in c:/Temp/me.jpg ??
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